Tale guide

We can also U-turn

We can also U-turn

I’ve spent a lifetime in Africa.

I lived through four regional conflicts and watched as the dismantling of colonization gave way to the emergence of governments derived from largely ‘freedom fighter’ factions, most of whom turned out to be devoid of scruples, humanity, education and competence, so whether you agree with me or not, I’ve got this!

They did however, have enough intelligence to orchestrate grand theft and exploitation, amass extravagant amounts of wealth and drive their electorate into some of the very worst poverty and cruelty ever witnessed on the planet; And this whilst the liberal successors of the former colonial masters applauded their own evolutionary ‘successes’ whilst having spent the past half a century begging their ordinary overtaxed constituents to contribute to funding the very African plight their forefathers created!

As South Africa continued to slide down the steep slope of general service delivery collapse, we packed up and moved to the UK in the belief that the world had simply got to be better in the home country. And in many respects, it was almost unbelievably better.

The Welsh countryside is beautiful in summer as much as when covered with soft white snow for as far as the eye can see. But its flippin cold out there most of the year!

There are virtually no potholes; the water, gas and electricity are always on tap; the people are warm, friendly and courteous on and off the roads; the shops are filled with so much that everyone is spoilt by the vast abundance of choice available.

You want a fishing license, driver’s license, or passport renewed; you simply go online, enter your details and postal code and tomorrow it will drop through your mailbox.

If you want to buy anything from trucks to toilet rolls, theatre tickets to general shopping, you simply go online and place your order and it will be delivered to your door within a couple of days. Going out to the shops is an unnecessary journey unless of course, you are looking for some excitement or even a spot of tea in the mall!

Television is crammed with amazing entertainment of every description from very polished and engaging announcers, critics, and specialists to the finest of actors, comedians, musicians and craftsmen and women from any and every discipline.

If you have some unwanted clothing, you place it in a bag outside your front door, and a charity worker will collect it sometime when he passes by! No one else will give it as much as a sideways glans.

I celebrated my birthday shortly after landing on the island and as a present I was given an ‘English survival kit.’ That was a beanie, scarf, woollen gloves, raingear and a windscreen ice scraper-offer.

I realised the enormity of the gift within days when I went out for a morning stroll through the ice and snow and sleet.

Paradise you think? Well, not quite exactly.

I can’t help wondering if British politicians are a bunch of wallies. ‘They shouldn’t be’, you’d think, given the fact that most of them were educated at Cambridge or Oxford. But somehow the goings on in Westminster suggests they may have spent their formative years at the comedy club.

Of course, in all fairness, they do have the inenviable task of having to keep their lucrative jobs in the face of the ever growing, off-the-wall woke brigade. I was going to say ‘liberal’ but that’s actually unfair to even liberal politics. Also, the Unions. The Railway union seems to have scant regard for the need to move with the times, upgrade technology, streamline overheads and improve efficiency so that the cost of providing a world class transport system can be kept affordable for all, which of course, would surely provide job security for a while to come. Oh, no; they just keep up with regular strikes, close down the railroads and hold the nation to ransom in pursuit of more pay and the status quo while the rail networks stagnate in costly inefficiency.

Come to think of it, there are some socialist parallels in this logic with most Southern African countries and neither can afford the luxury.

Meantime, while Eastern Europe has been in a war that threatens the security of the world, British television and the media have spent the past two years, focusing on national emergencies like MP’s snogging in the corridors of power, attending party after party throughout the national lockdown, and championing the ‘rights’ of tens of thousands of foreign (mostly economic) refugees who arrive on the island’s shores in rubber dinghies from across the channel, while those with a legitimate claim to residence spend mega money and wait many years to be entitled to a fraction of the handouts that are so graciously dispensed to the aforementioned.

The net result was their larger than life, Churchillian-like, Bojo, got the boot. Lizzie baby got the top job and together with Kwazi Modo, kicked the life out of the pound and the economy within a week of settling in at number 10.

That was before suddenly making a perfect set of hand break U-turns without so much as a drop in the cheesy smile, coupled with a glib response to an inquisitive reporter with “did I really say that?” In fact, there have been so many U-turns, Dizzie Lizzie no longer knows which direction she was supposed to be going.

In the East, nutcase Putin attacked many of Ukraine’s residential areas, shops, train stations and hospitals and then announced on telly that Ukraine is a terrorist state because it bombed a Russian ‘civilian’ transport route. i.e. a train carrying fuel and supplies to the Rusky front. In retaliation he then continued to dispatch his missiles onto more Ukrainian civilian targets. Well, hello! Am I missing something here?

Back in the UK everything, and I mean, everything, is driven by Apps!

Sure, I am dating myself, but I can’t help wondering how unhelpful it must be for humanity to find ways to remove person to person interaction at the rate that modern society is automating.

In the UK, if you want to park your car, you need to download an App (application) on your smartphone in order to pay. If you want to track a parcel, review your bank balances, look at the weather, seek an appointment with virtually anyone and follow your questionable progress or status with the National Health Service, you need a smartphone and a lot of Apps!

We sat down in a larney restaurant recently and summoned the waitress, as one does. “Could we see the wine list please?” I asked innocently. The teenage waitress looked at me as if I had arrived after forty years in the Gobi desert, pointed at a laminated card in the center of the table on which a funny square of black and white squiggles was printed.

“Please snap the QR code for the menus”, she said as she raised her eyes in as much as to say, “where the hell are you from?”

“How do you snap a QR Code?” I asked innocently, and then, “for starters, what is a QR code, when it’s at home?”

I was sure the waitress thought I was winding her up but on second thoughts decided to hold her own counsel on the matter.

“Do you have a cellphone, sir?” she asked.

I pulled my brand-new Samsung out of my pocket.

“Open the camera please”, she said and pointing at the black and white square said, “point the camera at the QR code and it will automatically download the drink list and food menu onto your phone.”

“Seriaas?”

“Yes,” said the young future birthing parent with considerable confidence, “then you simply place your order on your phone, and it will be transmitted to the kitchen where they will prepare to serve you.”

“You what?”

Where on earth has the fun gone from discussing the meal options, recommending specialties, make variations according to one’s desire at the time and the like! Well, that’s all disappeared, together with the art of customer care, upselling and all kinds of niceties that accompany a person-to-person conversation.

The world has gone completely bonkers.

So, despite England’s best intentions, I found myself somewhat isolated, detached from all around me. I actually started to get bored.

I mean everything was being done for me. Everything is automated so required very little input and no imagination. You can even buy roast potatoes already roasted and ready to heat up for goodness’ sake.

And in the unlikely event that something goes wrong, don’t expect a deviation. You are required to chill a little and it will all come right in the end. Just don’t expect anyone to make a plan. Oh, you must be joking. You, Sir, must follow the procedure from start to finish even if the system gets it wrong. No apology required. Just register again and wait your turn or stand aside.

And if you don’t know how to navigate your App; well, I can’t help you!

I started to yearn for good ol’ Saaf Afrika!

Think about it. In South Africa, you have to stand in queues to get anything like an ID card, Passport, driver’s license or fishing card. But then so do every other person Black, White or Brown. And while standing in the queue, they chat to each other and laugh about how ridiculous the situation has become since Jan van Riebeek sailed back to the Netherlands.

And when you’ve made your way to the counter after three hours the lady apologises for the delay caused by; “the system, she was down because of load shedding!” She completes the process and smiles that insuppressible African smile and says, “You’re welcome!” with meaning.

Now I’m sitting on my colonial kondi (patio) watching a superlative sunrise over a calm and restful Indian ocean. Its already 28 degrees in the shade and a slight breeze gently takes the edge off the humidity, as I wonder what on earth possessed me to come back.

Back in 2017 we had a shortage of water; we had loadshedding; potholes were beginning to appear in our roads and the candidates of the party in power were vying for positions, sometimes even doing one another in, to short circuit the democratic process. Ex President Zuma had declared his innocence to allegations of overseeing the biggest heist of national treasury and assets in history and vehemently demanded his day in court as he began a process of manipulating the justice system at every possible legal turn to escape standing trial.

Well, here we are five years later and nothing seems to have changed. Zuma has miraculously recovered from the terminal illness that necessitated a contempt of court jailtime leniency. He and many other upstanding representatives of the electorate continue to deftly sidestep their day in court. The country is still looking for the ‘Billion millions' and 'million thousands’ that have left the country and all of the local service delivery issues have gotten much worse.

But the same old, same old have started their campaigns for re-election to another tenure of privilege. And to add insult to injury, the ministers have recently awarded themselves with an order excluding ministerial homes from the loadshedding provisions and absolution from the need to pay for this very scarce commodity.

As they say in the previously advantaged classics, “Mooi man!”

We also have socialist unions but for the most part the railways, schools and hospitals are broken or dysfunctional.

They also want more money and a four-day working week! Oh yeh! And because the government is dependent on their votes, it will constitute an inquiry and give their demands some seriaas consideration.

So, here’s the rub. Lesson number one is, no matter which country to choose to domicile, don’t get wrapped up in its politics.

Lesson number two is get yourself a survival kit necessary to navigate the obstacles specific to your territory.

In South Africa, the survival kit comprises your own independent solar powered electricity supply, at least 10, 000 liters of spare capacity, filtered water on tap, an electric fence, an armed response team, and a proper braai!

After that you can volunteer to help a local support group to keep your town tidy and the potholes filled, while making an effort to help the many that have become less fortunate at the hands of their fat cat leaders and for the most part, you can enjoy the benefits of paradise in one of the most spectacular countries on the planet and where everyone makes and plan and make things happen.

You just can’t get bored in such a vibrant country.