Tale guide

Letter from London

Oh, my jolly goodness, have we had some fun and games on this island since my last letter from London.

Honestly, there’s been so much going on I’m not even sure where to start.

There has been an ongoing rumbling undercurrent behind, and sometimes right up front, of everything else that’s been happening at least since the start of the year. It all really started with the Prime Minister and his team holding a series of parties during the time when everyone else were forced by law to stay at home and not mingle with anyone including their own close relatives.

At first there was a complete denial to the press and the Commons, but the opposition didn’t believe it nor did the press. So, the press pushed ahead, almost certainly with a little pressure from the rear, to dig and dig and dig. Before long photographs from inside, outside and even above, of number 10 Downing Street found their way onto the front page of the newspapers and televisions. And despite the seemly damning evidence, our illustrious leader swore almost under oath that it was a storm in a teacup, complete fabrication and he had a job to do to deliver on what the country needs.

The island forgot about the fuss for a while when the entire United Kingdom and Northern Ireland came out in their millions to congratulate Queen Elizabeth II on her 70 glorious years on the throne. The Jubilee celebrations were an incredibly joyous spectacle embracing the diversity of both the nation and the commonwealth over which Her Royal Highness presides. Even the weather delivered a gloriously dry and sunny four-day weekend in which to dance and sing, and the changing of the guard, with all of its ancillary parades, pomp and ceremony were as grand as only the British can make them. Not even the goings on of the wayward Prince Andrew nor those of Meghan and Harry detracted from the occasion.

Of course, England wouldn’t be England without its detractors, but this time around the general media didn’t afford these cynics much coverage, at least, until the party was over. On the first day of work following the weekend the Tory 1922 committee took an internal vote of no confidence in their Prime Minister, but our man winged that by the folds of his chinny, chin, chin.

For years now, the Scottish National Party has wanted to take Scotland out of the United Kingdom and the British republicans coupled at the tote with the Woke folk, want to ditch one of the richest histories on the planet and rid the United Kingdom of the Monarchy and any and every statue, picture or other such memorabilia that honours the country’s conquerors, slave traders, and explorers, many of whom they believe have caused embarrassment and despair in the minds of the modern day, dare I say, intellectual.

The argument around ousting Her Royal Highness and her entire family from their place of privilege has become more heated as a result of the rising cost of living affecting millions of low income or unemployed people. The Monarchy is costing the taxpayer around £102 million annually, which is up 17% over the previous year.

The problem is there are a great many people who love the monarchy and, as an aside, understand the economics that the return on this investment is a laudable £1.766 Billion a year which makes the whole caboodle terribly worthwhile. The critics overlook the simple cost-to-income equation completely, including the fact that if the one goes, so will the other! Their voices are raised right now because the government has had to stop laying out billions to the nation after the pandemic was over and the country has been faced by rapidly escalating oil, gas and electricity costs which, like all of Europe, have been passed onto the consumer.

It would be remiss of me not to mention the Russian invasion of Ukraine and the unending criminal destruction of that country and the killing of innocent civilians in their hundreds if not thousands.

The thing is that back here in the UK, partygate and the general discontent with the lack of financial assistance for the people and of course the daily goings-on on Love Island are way more front of mind. The former, despite the immense amount of furlough funding, NHS support and Covid vaccine development that was readily made available by the very same government last year.

In the meantime, the Metropolitan Police found the Prime Minister guilty of attending at least one party during lockdown making him the first PM to become a ‘criminal’ by definition. But, not to worry, Jolly Hockey sticks brushed off suggestions and indeed demands that he resign under the circumstances and reaffirmed that its more important that he gets on with running the country.

But the noise around the partygate storm has not abated and there are apparently at least ten counts of lying or misleading, if you will, that the PM is accused of or probably guilty of and these constantly raise their ugly heads in Prime Minister’s Questions in the Commons and in the media on a weekly basis. And equally, the repetitive response from our illustrious leader supported by his right-hand men/women, is that the people want him to focus on delivering his election promises and by implication, are not concerned about the fact that he has been constantly deceitful to the police, parliament, his party and the country.

You can’t bullshit some of the people, all of the time it seems; not to mention, you can’t keep brushing off accusations from most of the people all of the time.

Conservatives recently lost by-elections to the Labour party in Wakefield and to the Lib Dems in Tiverton and Honiton constituencies and by all media accounts, because the electorate have become disenchanted with and embarrassed by the conservatives and its leader. Which reminds me.

As an aside, there has been an increase in the number of UFO sightings over the UK of late. Hopefully we’ll sort out our leadership issues before one of them aliens land and demands to be taken to our leader! Anyway, the ‘convict’ as some now call him, then took off to attend a Commonwealth heads of state gathering in Rwanda, a timely, genuine reason to avoid the ongoing attacks from the opposition and media as well as having to deal with a national rail workers strike that brought the nation to a grinding halt. And if that wasn’t distraction enough he followed that by going off to a G7 meeting in Germany and a Nato meeting in Spain, thus avoiding the embarrassment of having to answer “why, what and when?” to a hungry liberal media.

I noted with amusement that our very own President, Oom Nonuts Squirrel, as a good friend calls him, found himself in pride of place sitting next to Jolly Hocky Sticks at the G7 round table. I really don’t think he was there just to charge his cell phone, as some have suggested. I think he was taking some very valuable lessons from the colonial white capitalist on how to refine the smoke and mirrors game, at which the latter has proven to be quite adept.

Back on the island, however, the Tories have been increasingly restless, and rumours are rife of a palace revolution in the planning. Immediately following the disastrous results of the by elections, the Conservative Party Chairman Oliver Dowden, resigned. In his letter of resignation, he highlighted that the party’s supporters were “distressed and disappointed by recent events” and said, “someone must take responsibility.”

But it went over Johnson’s head like water off a duck’s back. His response was as expected, with a flippant wave of the arms and a shake of the head, “I’m focussing on what the people really want.”

In the meantime, hundreds of refugees from Africa and the middle east continue to try and reach the UK via organised smuggling syndicates who are sending them across the channel in rubber dinghies. In response, the government has done a deal with Rwanda and has been trying to fly the refugees out to that country, but with some difficulty.

Enter the liberal critics who have been marching and demonstrating and taking the government to court on a regular basis in an effort to stop such an inhumane and immoral policy that most observers tell us is not becoming of a British Government. Even the heir was rumoured to have told his close confidents that he felt the policy to be appalling. But Batshi*t Bonkers, (thanks Katie Hopkins for this pearler), asked to meet HRH privately in Rwanda. I’m guessing his Royal Highness was encouraged to keep his royal neb out of politics which many believe Charles will find increasingly difficult to do once he ascends the throne.

There is another glaring dilemma that has only been raised once by a son of an immigrant, as far as I am aware. We have witnessed millions of refugees fleeing Ukraine in the face of Putin’s onslaught. It wasn’t long before the UK was in uproar about how slow and difficult the UK Home Affairs have been over helping those refugees settle in the UK.

Apparently 100, 000 British families volunteered to welcome the Ukrainians into their homes. The national response has been absolutely heart-warming. So, the lone voice of the son of an immigrant appears to have been drowned out when he dared to ask why the national response to the refugees from Ukraine is so very different to the refugees from Syria and the like?

Batshi*t Bonkers (don’t you love the British humour?) promised another £1 Billion to Ukraine while half the country can’t afford to eat properly, heat the house, drive the car or even go on public transport that isn’t running properly after rail strikes brought the place to a halt. From where would he find such a sum of money given the dire straits with which the poor of Britain are battling? You may well ask.

It appears that our man unilaterally decided to take it out of the existing budgets of England, Scotland and Wales without so much of a phone call.

How to win friends and influence people let alone ‘I’m focussing on what the people really want’.

No sooner was this problem ‘solved’ than it turns out that back in the day someone walked into Bojo and Carrie in a compromising position. So, they now join the other five MPs who in recent times have been discredited by allegations of sexual irregularities (says I, being as discreet as possible!) So now they’ve added ‘Blojo’ to the growing list of aliases. Oops!

The Tories finally had the perpetual demonstrations up to the eyeballs and have passed a law to allow the police to arrest them protesters and haul them off to court. Hey Ho, that’s democracy out the door!

But not to be left out, most short haul airlines as well as the British airports that service them, have been battling to recruit staff to fill the thousands of vacancies caused by Europeans who are no longer allowed to work in the UK because of Brexit. So, some of them have gone out on strike without warning demanding more money and better conditions.

Many of the airlines are just simply unable to cope with the demand from the summer holiday season and are cancelling flights without warning, leaving passengers stranded all over Europe or on the airports of the UK even before they take off. Luggage is going missing; people are stuck on aeroplanes for many hours and the tourist industry has gone bananas.

The Scottish SNP has gone to the high court to find out if it would be legal to hold a second referendum on independence without permission of the British Government, something that no-one in England and by all accounts at least half of Scotland, don’t actually want to do.

But Jolly Hocky Sticks is just fine as he continues to focus on delivering what the people want even if that isn’t quite what they thought they wanted and in the background the war in Ukraine continues and Putin’s threat of a nuclear wipe out of the British Isles continues to fall on deaf ears as we remained glued to the next riviting episode of Love Island.

Happy holidays.