Tale guide

If that was Christmas, we've had it!

Christmas at ours, 2021

The seven and nine-year-old boys decided it was time to write to Father Christmas, a practice they’ve been encouraged to do since they started to write.

What I didn’t realise is that it’s only been a year since they started to write, and now it would seem they are entirely capable of writing an entire book already!

It’s great that they still believe in Father Christmas, which I find very sweet and hats off to their parents for letting them remain children.

In this day and age this is a miracle in its own right, given that many parents here are encouraging a debate about which gender the children would prefer.

Come to think of it, it’s also a miracle that we still have Father Christmas. If Wokeism had its way the poor kids will have to write to our ‘Winterval Non-birthing Parent in Lapland’ - a rather clinical, unromantic and frankly, totally meaningless alternative even if someone could tell me what Winterval means!

But our boys wrote to the busy man in Lapland, nevertheless.

“Dear Father Christmas Please will you let us have

- a Power ‘A’ everywhere bag.

- a VR Virtual reality.

- a Super Smash Brother.

- a Amscon 9903934 Blast Team, and

- an Echo Dot T/Blue with clock.

Thank you Jonathan & Matthew”

For starters the question was whether they have been good boys this pass year? According to their Father, (sorry, ‘Non-birthing parent’), it’s debatable.

“They’ve had their ups and downs,” he explains. “What about the time they were kept at home for months on end and eventually refused to do any more on-line homework for the teacher’s voice on the computer?” he asks.

“Don’t be naïve,” says their Birth Parent, (mother!) “they’ve had a really tough year and have been exceptional children under trying circumstances.”

Well, she would, wouldn’t she!

The vote swings definitively in the boys’ favour with the entrance of Granny whose opinion carries more weight than the entire family together. (I am unsure of the woke name for Granny. I tried ‘Ancient Birth Parent’ and came this close to losing my life!)

Then, once the confusions were rationalized, I returned to the list of requests, scratching my head. What ever happened to a bicycle or a Lego set or even a soccer ball, for crying in a bucket. I mean where do they learn about this stuff firstly and secondly, where on earth am I going to find them?

I feel so sorry for the old chap in Lapland. Things couldn’t have got easier for him given the challenges I must face, not to mention what lockdown and furlough did to his toy factory.

“Go on Google,” says my stepson.

Of course, Google. Everyone goes on Google these days.

Finally, Granny and I decided to go on a shopping spree, so we set aside a morning on Google and to get into the spirit of things, we wore our masks while browsing Amazon!

Once upon a Christmas, we spent half a month’s salary on a tree, baubles, flashing lights, streamers, and sprinkles, but today Granny and I felt that its rather the parents’ responsibility to spend their hard-earned money on house decorations. That is until the 2nd of December, when Granny awoke with a tinge of guilt and insisted that we went down to the Christmas Warehouse and buy a readymade electric Christmas Tree.

You think I’m kidding? This readymade electric Christmas tree is, I would submit, one of the finest inventions that has come out of China since Sichuan chicken wings.

It comes in a box, is a one-piece tree, it carries its own multi-dimensional set of electrodes that flash and sparkle in many colours automatically, and lastly, it doesn’t make a mess. So up it goes and in its plugged, and hey presto, Christmas is alive and well in the old folk’s home!

The family came around last Sunday for a visit and while everyone was admiring the new addition to the lounge, young Matthew, a rather rational and intelligently observant young fellow lifted his eyes from his Nintendo device and asked, “how is Father Christmas going to fit down your chimney Granny?”

Granny may be a tad on the older side, but her mental ability is as sharp as always. “We will keep the back door open for him. He’ll know to come in that way.”

We did encounter a small hiccup the other weekend when the family looked on as a few hundred people in Llandudno got dressed up in Father Christmas suits for a charity fun run. The spectacle raised a number of questions from the boys about the number of Father Christmases there are on the planet.

Once again Granny came to the rescue. Of course, they were all simply Winterval Non-birthing Parent-from-Lapland lookalikes who were out to raise funds for the less fortunate than us at Christmas time.

I can’t speak for the rest of the world, but my goodness, don’t the British go a bundle on Christmas?

We just love the decorations and the effort everyone goes to, to make this time of year so incredibly special. From the vast displays set up in the grounds of famous estates, right down to the villagers who take so much care to brighten up their front porches and gardens whether they have children or not, and not to mention all the Church naves where the glory of the nativity is recreated and that shines the light of love and joy on all who behold.

The village Christmas market is something else. The problem is not the friendly and jolly gathering of good folk, nor the variety of sweetmeats and homemade trinkets that entice the wallet. It’s the fact that in our immediate surrounds there are four villages and two cities, all of whom appear to try and outdo themselves.

Being generously spirited, community supportive folk, as one is, we are honour bound to support these veritably festive events. But by the time we’ve been to just a few, we have already eaten way too much and bought a ton of stuff we’ll be needing to sell on E-bay or donate to a deserving charity come the new year.

But there is no doubting the admiration one has for everyone’s passionate contribution to these fabulous events that, more often than not, are having to be held in weather that at best can be described as inclement.

Good Morning Britain launched its ‘One Million minutes’ campaign in which everyone is invited to pledge some of their time to cheer up the lonely or ailing. By Christmas day the people of the United Kingdom had pledged over 160 million minutes and still counting. Is that not simply amazing?

The day finally arrives. The table is groaning with a feast fit for the neighbourhood.

The presents are piled high under the tree.

Despite several North Atlantic storms that have swept their way across the islands cutting power supply to huge numbers of homes and in some extreme cases, closing down whole areas with driving snow and floods, the community has rallied, the power restored, and the children are properly excited.

I’m also excited. I have been hinting for months about how nice it would be to become the owner of a brand new, hybrid automatic Mercedes with a built-in lady who constantly reminds you that she is available to do your bidding. So somewhere in the pile of pretty boxes will be the keys of my new car.

I tend to rationalise quite a lot so I know that this family of mine will deliberately leave my present to the very end just to watch the raw expectation written across my face as each one tears open their presents excitedly before hugging and kissing each kind and thoughtful benefactor.

Present after present is removed from under the tree. The boys are no longer with us. They’ve disappeared behind virtual reality goggles and are immersed in a battle with the Space Pirates.

Left completely alone on the floor under the tree is a little box. “That’s the one with the keys,” I say to myself, my heart skipping a beat in expectation.

Granny leans over and hands me the box. “Happy Christmas my darling. Thank for being such a fabulous Papi.”

Papi is the nickname the boys gave me at birth. Theirs, not mine! Roughly translated it apparently means ‘Gullible ancient non-birthing parent’.

I open the box and remove a Mercedes-Benz GLE 350de 4Matic AMG, Line Premium 5dr 9G-Tronic, manufactured by Corgy.

Behind the car, a small note that reads, “Here’s wishing you bigger and better. With all our love!”❤

Did you feel the love?

Hope you all had a super Christmas and wishing us all a Covid-free new year 2022!😉